XYZ

Growing up, my father, mother, and extended relatives often shared unprompted “When I was your age” stories, and talked about all the things they felt they “never would have gotten away with.” I always brushed them off as old folks yapping… but lately, I’ve begun to wonder.

I teach, so I’m around children daily, and I see just how impressionable they are. I swear kids coming up now, are exposed to much more than I was at their age… I feel like generation Y (ours), was fortunate to grow up with our society, we grew with the grain, as it were. Computers became a household item, around the time that they were becoming integral to education. Cell phones became widespread, as they became a necessity for young teen. So we grew into them as society did. They were there when we needed them. In a similar vein, radio also became more adult as we did. Nowadays you hear all kinds of topics and language on the radio. As an adult, it doesn’t really faze me, but kids listen to the same radio that I do… and they hear the same things that I do… and in some ways, that really makes me uncomfortable. I may be jammin in the car to Weezy’s "Every Girl"… which really is my jam… ironic no? but then again… there are kids that I teach – that tell me it’s their jam… and I primarily teach ELEMENTARY SCHOOL! Forgive me if I’m “old fashioned” but a song. About men. With rampant carnal desires. SHOULD NOT be “the jam” of a little six year old girl…

I find that kids in elementary school are obsessed with the perception, and presentation of “maturity” – or maybe it’s their parents? I mean, how in the hell are you going to send your child to school in tights and a sweater, (a la Rihanna et al,) while she is still wearing Pull-Ups… NOT CUTE! So many elementary schoolers are obsessed with all things Hanna Montana, JoBros, and HSM. Seriously?? If all these kids are modeling the behavior of High Schoolers 10 years older than them... who are the HS kids looking at? Post-Colligates (NYC Prep anyone)?? I think Disney should do a demographic reassessment… maybe even a morality assessment.

I read an article that talked about Britney’s catchy single “If You Seek Amy” and the author talked about the ramifications of a 6 year old girl singing and dancing along to the song, ignorant of the hidden message (“F-U-C-K Me.”) I laughed for a hott second… but at the same time… that’s really not funny… Side note though: Britney wears bedazzled panties on stage… so as a parent, you need to ask yourself why you are letting your 6 year old listen to her anyway? Britney has kids, she is not for your kids.

I’m not a conservative person in MANY respects, but at the same time, there is something to be said for childhood innocence. I miss it. I don’t know what I miss, but I know that there is something that changed. I know that I can never go back to those moments of sheer bliss… moments like running across the playground, into the wind, filled with the greatest joy. Knowing you weren’t flying, but you feeling like you could... Everything was an adventure, and nothing seemed dangerous… Jade was a stone, a plant or a color. Shade was that cool spot under a tree. I wonder if Generation Z has a chance to feel that way… or does the joy I felt from running in the wind now equate to a new Zac Efron sticker on a lunch box?

The funny thing about societal evolution is, while we experience and live within it, we often forget to look around and see the how it affects others. If Generation Z is on the fast track to Fuckupsville… what’s gonna happen to the generation that follows? Generation AA could be a literal and metaphorical new start... But at the rate we're going… GenAA just might be the kids of the premi-sexual GenZ. Imjussayin’

Summer Color

Yes, Yes, it is warm out… Yes, Yes… the sun is shinning, and soon, you will be itching to start wearing those vibrant seasonal colors again… but before you do, know this: Not every color, is for every body.

 

I know opinions are the new assholes, and every asshole has an opinion, but I can promise you, that I would not steer you in the wrong and it would behoove you, to take heed of these words. I cannot have, my peeps. looking a hot ass mess on the street. First… make sure your body is right… you can no longer hide behind winter layers, and we will be able to see you… ALL of you. That said, lets get started…

 

RED: Koool-Aaaid!!. Red is so hot for the summer, It’s hot like fire. I generally give red-tones a thumbs up. Reds overpower your skin’s warm-tones, and let your true hue shine through. Similarly, wearing red-toned shirts or face framing accessories, can often help mask blemishes; but remember, wearing whatever color is the equivalent of "nude" for you, does the opposite.

 

Orange is tricky… For my low-melanin brethren and sistren; If you are tanned or sunburned, orange is NOT your color! You will look like a shirtless alien… pleasebelieveit! And to my fellow, true mid-melanin family, we also have to be careful; the oranges can be our enemy too. The key here, is to accent the neckline with another color, or colors, to break things up and increase wearability.

 

Yellow… I tweeted about this after seeing a Chunkmonster while out on the town (follow me: lewsnews)… Yellow, while being young and fresh, like a wet baby chicken, is NOT slimming… If you ever wanted to look trim… do not attempt to do it in yellow… I know ya’ll have heard the “yo’ mamma” joke about wearing yellow (School Bus), so this can’t be news, but we have to remind ourselves that just because it’s in the stores, does not mean it should be yours… resist or remorse. Your choice. Yellow also looks great on darker skin tones and makes me think of Wonka’s golden ticket on a bar of chocolate waiting to be devoured… Scrumdelescent! Yeah. I said it.

 

Green is great, it’s one of my “colors” because it compliments warm undertones, and is great for showing off a little summer color. I generally don’t see people run into a lot of problems with greens, so as long as you are not tying to look like a citizen of Oz, and this Dorothy, would not approve… Also beware of pairing it with red, unless you’re looking for a quirky lil conversation starter for that July garden party.

 

Blue is generally a safe color – its calming you know – but, some blue hues can be too cool and subdued for this season. A light or electric blue keeps you looking fresh, and is complimentary to most skin tones. But be warned, if you have dark circles, blue has a tendency match and exaggerate them.

 

I recently re-embraced Purple after recognizing it as another of my “colors.” It works much the same way that reds do by toning down the warm undertones but it also helps feature the ‘right reds.’ If you want to feature your plush pink puckers, purple makes ‘em pop!

 

Now. Stay away from too much white if your teeth or eyes are discolored, it will draw much attention to your… “slight “imperfection, especially in the bright summer sun. If you insist that it doesn’t matter... don’t come cryin’ when someone buys you that pity pack of white strips. I’m jussayin’

 

Black is slimming … but not right for the summer. When the weather is above 70, save darker colors for darker hours. Furthermore, if your natural pallet is already dark… wearing dark colors doesn’t do you ANY favors… CanIkeepitreal?

 

Color’s coordinating isn’t too hard, unless you failed… Art…(and life?) Light colors work well with a lighter pallet, making you look fresh and fun. Saturated pallets can handle more saturated brighter colors, giving you a bolder, brazen aura. That’s a no brainer right? Now… if you have a lighter pallet, and want to go all Technicolor… that is fine… just know that you will be looking ALL EXTRA SUPER TECHNICOLOR… which is only good if you have a purpose to be drawing focus. You do not what your clothing to be more exuberant than you. Wear the clothes, don’t let the clothes wear you.

 

If this all sounds like Greek then listen up: Dress your personality first, your body second, and the season last. But don’t get crazy… if you feel like a stripper, but weigh 300 lbs… you need to ADDRESS your body before you can DRESS your personality… Legislation.

 

Embrace the season, embrace the sun, and look your best!

That's What Friends Are For...

Ok. So this is what it do. Every once and a while, you gotta vent… know that this is out of love, reflection, and introspection.

 

Last time I checked, the friendSHIP sails both ways. Forgive me for trying to be a friend, but you cannot expect me to detach myself from caring about your well-being because you want to… “make your own mistakes.” I know that I am not your father… but hell, if I was going down a thorny path with a spring in my step, I’d expect you to do more than just “let me make my own mistakes.” You feel me?  So forgive me for caring, but when I stop, so might our friendship.

 

At times, trials and tribulations exceed my jubilation, and I often find myself in a spiral of outside induced depression all because I tried, to care about somebody other than myself. And for what? For why did I do it? Like the old song says, “If I can helllp somebody… “ But maybe I need to rethink that…

 

I try to surround myself with people who bring more light than heat, and I will no longer settle for seniority. Just because I have known you from jump, does not make you a better friend. Let me say that again… Just because I have known you from jump… does not make YOU… a better friend. Just be cause we go back to more than yesterday does not mean we have an alliance. It’s a new day, and as I write this I vow to seek the peace for myself that comes from caring about more than myself, and having that care reciprocated.

 

What are you doing for you? What are you values? What are your goals?

 

Identify the Obstacles. 

Take ‘em out. 

…Seek Peace…

April's Tweet Sweep

I got Twitter. And it is so very dangerous… all those things I think when I am alone in public… can now instantly be sent to anyone who dares to come along for the ride. Oh the joy it will bring.  These Tweet Sweeps… are really for those not on twitter… which I can understand… so I’ll give you a lil taste of what you’ve been missing…  Below you will find April’s highlights – some that may need some explanation… and others that are stand alone gems.

If we are manually splitting a check, do not EVER change MY charge total because I don't tip well enough for you! – This happened. Some boy changed my total, without asking, and then was bout to turn it in… So rude. Poor child had never seen that side of me, cause I let him have it, but you don’t play with other peoples money.

I love how these reality show single moms think they are some shinning example of parenthood while LEAVING their child for like 4 months... – I love me some Tasia, but I was thinking about this… who is taking care of your child when you are on TV, in the confessional crying about how you miss your child so much, and are doing this for him/her. Damn… and it’s even worse if you don’t win… cause you failed... ouch.

UMM! Student drivers should NOT be on the highway during rush hour. Seriously. Legislation!!

To the old man sleeping on this park bench using his shoes and socks as a pillow... I see what you're doing, but I don't like it. - "Winter feet" just all in plain view.

I wonder what one legged people do with all the shoes they never use? Or do you think they get a 1 shoe discount? – I was so wrong for thinking this on the metro when I saw that one legged woman… it’s one of those things you’d think of when you’re high… but I couldn’t help it.

Thank you Mr Custodian. After seeing you approach that Cinnabon counter plunger first, you helped me save a couple bucks, and some calories.

Some people are like rubber chickens... Fun for a festive laugh, but when the party's over, you have absolutly no use for them.

Parents: the decorative fountain at the front of your subdivision is NOT a public pool. – yes. I saw this…

Shirts that boldly insinuate a willingness and desire to have sex should only come in select sizes. Your XXXL shirt should not display your XXX desires. LEGISLATION!!!

Sunglass Savvy

(Originally posted to Facebook, April 15, 2008)

Tis the season, to rock your old favorites or to buy a new pair of shades, but as we pull out the old, or purchase the new… let us remember some simple sunglass etiquette. 

First off – Sunglasses: get a pair. They protect your eyes, and between the computers, TV, reading and whatever else… we have to take good care of them. Bright eyes are a key to looking younger, and we only get one pair.

Tips 
- Please pick sunglasses that fit your personality. Sunglasses should be an extension of who you are, NOT a mask. 
- Please pick sunglasses that fit your face. If you love wearing big sunglasses, make sure you have strong features to balance out the large frame. If your features are petite… and your glasses are expansive, you WILL look like a bug. bzzzzzzz
- Make sure glasses and clothes are in the same decade. I know big glasses are back in… but you may only wear true 80’s glasses if you are wearing a true 80’s outfit (more power to you.) If you insist on wearing what you will try to pass off as “throwbacks” you will look like you’ve been playing dress up in your momma’s closet again. 

Sunglasses are permissible…
- When it is sunny. 
- When there is no direct sunlight, but it is still bright as hell. 
- If you forgot to put on, or ran out of, eye cream. (I recommend philosophy: hope in a tube.)
- When you do not want anyone to see that you have been crying. 
- If you are hiding the signs from that not-so-loving relationship (Step 1 – Put on dark glasses. Step 2 – Pray for deliverance. Youfeelme?)
- As an accessory to formal wear. HOWEVER, be warned: this is not easy to pull off… there is a fine line between fly and ‘wtf?’ The sunglasses and suit look is not for everybody, and if you aren’t sure if you can pull it off… chances are, you can’t. 
- During a College Walk of Shame. Usually taken between the hours of 4 and 8 am on Saturdays and Sundays. Wearing sunglasses during this time sends signals to others that you are recovering, searching for your dignity, and probably have NOT showered.

You may not wear sunglasses…
- If it is raining. Sunglasses and an umbrella??… that is dumbassness.
- When you are in the pool. They sell tinted goggles if you are in need of some 'supreme pool fashion'...
- If you are indoors, for more than 30 paces or 1 minute, whichever comes first. 
- When trying to throw some serious shade. Man-up, take off the damn sunglasses and have a face off. Letsbereal. 
- If you are attempting to feel important, or would like others to see you as such. That is WACK. 
- When you are wearing real glasses underneath!!! You have a choice: prescription, or panache. Otherwise, get contacts. 
- In church… I know, Jesus is the light, but damn!
- At a funeral. Unless you are the Rich B!tch Widow, the Mistress, or the Secret Gay Lover… leave the shades at home. 


These are just a few tame guidelines… just my opinions of course. You don’t have to follow these rules… but if you do not, you will be alone… and lonely… forever. 

Feel free to leave your own opinions, tips and guidelines..

Half Naked

(Originaly Posted to Facebook - March 14, 2008)

Warmer days are here… and to the delight of most, there is considerably more skin showing. But let us remember some key things when dressing to impress for some fun under the sun… 

SKIN.
Sun is good, you know… Vitamin D and shit. But do moisturize and wear sunblock , black don’t crack, and we rarely burn… but we will fry, please believe it. Also, don’t be ashamed to lay out in the sun… especially if you is light n’ bright. Hell I do it, I’ll be damned if I let some sun enthusiast with less melanin catch up to me! A little summer color never hurt anybody… cept Wesley Snipes… So unless you are he, “Say yes to sun.”

BODY.
Since the body is the dwelling of the divine inside us all… please make sure your body is right. (W&M: The rec center is free with tuition, so you have no excuse.) Before you put on that tank top, halter top, muscle shirt, baby tee, tight skirt, or white linen outfit for the cookout, please make sure your body is in check. “If it is form fitting… make you have the form to fit it.”

CLOTHES.
Along the same lines… wear clothes your size folks… be proud of your bodies… we are past they age of buying things we’ll “grow in to,” and we should know when something is looking a lil’ young (‘too small’ for those not familiar). Men… your shorts should not look like wide leg clam diggers. Shorts should not be able to converse with your ankles. If your legs are scrawny, pants may just have to be your only friend right now, just make a note to spend some time on the lower hemisphere next time you hit the gym. Ladies, don’t just buy anything ole’ summer clothing, there is a lot of 'crap’ out there. Just cause someone cut it up does not mean it is flattering or right for your body… Watch out for clothes that do not make sense, people will sell you anything. And don’t get caught up in a sale, just cause they are selling it does not mean it is the time to wear that cashmere sweater – that is dumbassness. And to avoid other dumbassness: longsleeves and shorts should NEVER go together. Don’t forget it. 

SHOES.
It’s the season of sandals, and people love to wear them. Get a pair and let the feet breath after a long winter. Get you some thongs, cute dress sandals, or even some Birks if you feel supremely assimilated, but just remember “divas don’t wear tevas.” Furthermore, socks and sandals are ONLY allowed if you are an in-season athlete who has JUST come off the court or field. Remember that Tims and Uggs should get put away for the summer, I feel like that's common sense, but if I didn’t say it, I’d see it… and then I would have to call somebody out. 

For those wondering when it’s ok to wear sandals? Follow this rule: If you need a jacket… you should not be wearing sandals! You look will look like a dumbass in a northface with some rainbows on. Lets be smart people. 

Lastly… but most importantly people, make sure your feets is right… Do not slip on sandals, just on a whim if you have not summer-ized your feet. If you know you have an issue, grease them suckers at night and sleep in some socks! It will make all the difference. Do not be stepping out with ash and crust all over the heels and toes. If your toe knuckles are ashier than your elbows, and I have seen this, you are sending signals that you – are – an unkempt slob, with poor hygiene… need I go on? Ladies I know you would not step out with them ‘winter legs’ – same goes for them winter feet. And fellas, clip your tonenails please. If I seem one mo,’ with unclipped ashy crust busters… Men, we need to do better. Do not neglect the feets. Just as bad shoes can ruin an outfit, so can bad feets. 

Take heed of the word. And remember I will be watching you from behind my sunglasses...